Get Lost

 i guess i'm no longer that emotional girl that who need space to pour out feelings and stash em away.

as a working mother of 2 i have achieved some goals in life. long overdue but achieve it somehow.

too many sacrifice and too many changes in my life but 1 thing i do know is 1 dont forget easy.

i want revenge for things I have been wronged, but thill then,, let's get lost :)

God pls tell me what have i done wrong?

...coz no one can.

Nesting Mode

am at my week 33 of pregnancy and we just had long weekend due to Thaipusam public holiday.
This week we dint shop for baby cloth, just the basic weekly necessities and stocking up toiletries coz there 50% off all hair care and cosmetic at Guardian & Watson. I even got free premium hair brush from Dome for purchasing hair care during the weekend.

intro. we have 4 room in the house. 1 master, 1 small room for clothes, 1 medium room as library and 1 store room which is also medium size which I cant even remember what we kept inside it. yup we have 4 room in this house but we will only have 3 in our new house. so far from early this month i have been preparing master bedroom to welcome our newborn. clearing drawer so we can make room for her clothes and stuff and arranging changing table to prepare for maternity.

sat. start clearing the small room. rearranging the wardrobe, getting rid of clothes we dont want. Plan is to send it to h&m to get some discount voucher. 1 room done in half day time. we also wash the clothes we buy for her together with some recycle white onesies that belongs to her brother not long ago. mostly clothes for 0-3m baby since our doctor predict she will be born about the same size of tuah, 2.6kg - max 3kg.

sunday. we start with our library, we bought box for our beloved comics and books and notes for work that we still use. from 6 big box we almost use 4 box to pack all the reading material.
another 2 box will be for machine, gadgets, games and other stuff that we still need and use. The plan is to pack everything, sell all the rack and dispose all unwanted things. and turn this room to play room for Tuah and TJ since it is the nearest room to the kitchen, I can cook while watching them play in the room. room is half done. we still need to find buyer for the rack.

monday. we meet buyer for terrarium and say good bye to it. hamim went to gym while tuah and me play at baby gym. visited shima, chep and their 3 weeks old Laila at noon, then force fadh and azra to accompany us buy pampers as the nearest mall to shima's house. arrive home at 6 and start preparing dinner.

to do by end Feb - sell/giveaway the rack in the library. finish packing / throwing things in the library. move all 6 boxes to store room. the library have to be empty by end feb, the earlier the better before arrival of tj.

to do in 2 years time - clear of either by selling/throwing all the thing we kept in store which I cant remember what. surely we wont be needing if we cant even remember what is kan? we dont have store in the new house, so we need to minimize thing we will be bringing in. max number of box we will bring to our new house will be 10, including clothes, toys and kitchen stuff. so imagine how many things i need to get rid of?

summary. why the heck dint i start this earlier?? i clearly enjoy myself selling/ throwing stupid unwanted things which i dont even remember having.

7 more weekend to go before end Feb :)

work & life : update early 2019

work. i sound disappointed with work in my last post ( 2 months ago! haha ) but now the disappointment has lessen...by 1% ( haha im funny!) ok still same people same issue same complain from them buttt,, my superior has given me new task for 2019 to widen my scope and increase my skill.

So here I am in my month 8 and 9 of pregnancy expected to learn new things fast before I will be away again for 2 1/2 month for my maternity break - ok challenge accepted!! At least Im not stuck doing same thing for few years kan.

Syukur ada keja and cant wait for big B end of March!

life. we got news about hamim promotion at Q2 and which will only take effect only on dec. so we decided to survey house and he finally found his dream home in Cyberjaya with good deal! in fact we just got back from signing the S&P and we were pretty happy we finally got into this level after booking and cancelling previous project (coz we had doubt on the location and stuff).. with this house that we just purchased, we got parking side by side nearer to the lift straight to our unit on the ground floor! it's a new year blessing.

i have around 8 weeks to go before my edd 13/3. but i will start my leave early so i have already inform my superior at work that my last day in office will 28/2, so until that date, I will be busy preparing handover to my colleague and some to my intern which I need to train from scratch coz she never have work experience before.

did i mention that its a baby girl?  yeah it's a girl and so far we have bought all the necessities to welcome our newborn . new car seat for both car - done! pink comotomo - done! girl sock & legging - done! few pairs of new clothes with a bit of girly color - done! we got few more weeks to go to wind shop and see what else we should buy. hamim wanted a carrier but i told him its not necessary coz I dont plan to eat out for the rest of the year after 2nd baby out, he just roll his eyes and walk away.

i think that's all for now kot. doakan rajin update blog for the rest of the year and safe delivery for my 2nd.

i did pray for rezeki yg tak disangka and yes i got it.

work

Thinking if I should share what i'm currently doing now.

Work is ...hard...tough...

I like dealing with all types of people...but after year 2 with the company.. i feel like i just cant deal with the same people.. same issue anymore..

i love my job..company give super good benefit.. annual bonus..pay increase.. 23 days AL..16% epf from empoyer..unlimited medical claim for the whole fam.

but the issue.. the people.. same complain almost everyday..

i need new project! new things to learn.

Guess Who's Pregnant..again :P

As promised in my last post.

Our big surprise...

We are pregnant...again!

On week 19 now and belly like a small melon.

Monthly checkup still with Dr Kamaljit of Bangsar Women Specialist Centre - highly recommended.

Delivery next year still with Dr Hamidah of Hospital Putrajaya.

Pray for me coz I am still afraid of labor room.

Tuah's 1st Birthday

We celebrated 2x :)

During 3rd Hari Raya on the mid of June and end of the month on his actual birthday 27/6.

Ahhh from dating to married to married 5 yrs with no kid then suddenly you are expecting then poofff!!!! Baby is 1 year old.

Here are some of the pics and thank you all who celebrated with us. And also thank you all for your warm wishes.

And Im sorry I have been missing. Got a new job, breastfeeding, pumping and struggling to perfect my parenting skill.

Watch out for surprise on my next post hahaha!

August to Remember

Times like these won't last forever, so don't stop me from holding him.

Tuah is 2 months old end August. On 27th to be exact. Da pandai senyum, pandai ketawa dan bangun sekali je malam hari untuk menyusu dan kembali tidur sampai Subuh.

Roslin pula dah back to work on 21st, sangat awal dari standard confinement leave. Does that mean I don't love my child? I'm on a mission and I'm determine to complete it. And I'm doing it for him. 1st week of work dah kena visit plant and have to be away for 2 nights. Is my act of leaving him for 2 nights means I dont love him? Can you really imagine having to leave your newborn and be away for 3 whole day!

There are soul out there acting amaze on my sacrifice of leaving my child mencari rezeki menampung hidup sendiri. but deep inside just waiting for time to shoot me in the head and accuse me of willingness to abandon him for something else.

Yes, I have gone back to work.
Yes, I send my baby to day care.
Yes, I make mistake, lots of them.

But that doesnt mean I dont love my child.
I can't afford to make the same mistake I have done before putting myself same level as trash.
I HAVE to care for myself first before I can love and care for him.
Therefore, I have to be strong.

Give me 5 years I'll be better.

I know when I created this space, I wanted it for only happy thoughts to enter.
But who am I kidding?  You and I both know why I'm writing here.

I wish I have someone I can pour my heart out to. For now, it's just here and sing-a-long session while driving to work.

New Life & New Me

I will be back to work next week as working mother. And need to be away 2 days 1 night for site visit in the first week of working itself.

I know it's gonna be hard but I feel that I have never been so ready in my life.

I am so confuse

....and tired.

Cinta & Airmata

Orang kata kalau memang bukan rezeki kita, dah nganga nak suap nasik pun boleh jatuh.
Tapi kalau memang rezeki kita, tangguh lama mana pun akhirnya dapat juga.

Mungkin Tuhan nak ajar erti redha dan sabar.

Now only I know the meaning of 'kadangkala apa yg kita nak bukan yang terbaik untuk kita' & 'Tuhan datangkan sesuatu bila waktu kita memerlukan'

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku, ajar lah aku untuk memaafkan.


ps: kenapa tajuk gitu.

Roslin Bersalin - dia penakut!

27th June

5am - woke up sakit perut went to toilet then back to bed but cant sleep because tummy still sakit. I suspect the beriyani and lauk pauk pedas from yesterday raya but the pain still continue till 6.

6am - I time the pain half asleep coz I remember people said perut sakit also sign of contraction. 

7am - the apps said get ready and head to hospital as the contraction is every 10 min. hahaha. I woke up and kemas dapur and vacuum and mopped house. 

Almost to 8 I went toilet to pee and saw blood on panty liner. I hahahahahahaha bit alone pastu woke hamim up, asked him to calmly listen to what Im about to say while warning him not to panic and finally told him that we need to go to hospital coz I experience contraction every 10 min and theres blood on my panty line which mean I might be delivering a baby later today. He demanded to see prove. Can you believe this guys? I showered while hamim manage litter box and pet then pack his hospital bag last minute ( told him to do it weeks ago! )

9am  - to hospital we go but not before drive thru breakfast at mcD. lol. I need food okay.

10am - At hospital dewan bersalin to register. Hamim has informed everyone. I was ushered to assessment center to do CTG and my contraction sudah selang 5 minit tapi I only feel sakit every 10 min and tak lama.

11am - VE has been done and I am 2cm dilated. hahaha. I hate VE. Nurse said maybe give birth later today. Usually 1 cm open every 1 hour. Still haha mode. Wait for hamim to pay deposit (3k for FPP) then to the ward I must stay. Got executive ward at 5A but need to stay at double bed ward since they dont have single bed that time

1pm - late lunch hospital food. oh I love hospital food. I never been admitted before but I really love hospital food. I nap dalam sejam.

3pm - wei sakit. contraction still selang 5 min but oh sakitnya. Nurse asked if i still can tahan coz she dont encourage VE many time and the next VE is only at 4. And she also encourage me to take epidural since it Pain Free Hospital.

4pm - I couldnt tahan anymore, contraction still every 5 min but the pain has increase, Hamim encourage me to take epidural and I say yes. Told nurse we want to take epidural and she proceed to with VE as epidural can be taken only around 4-6cm dilated. I was 4cm that time and she quickly gave me edema so I can go toilet. Went toilet and then pushed down to LR.

4.30pm - Mannnn, sakitnya. but still 5cm. I was given entonox and was told the epi doctor is attending another patient for emergency ceaser and will come straight after that.

5.30pm - I cried and beg hamim to call nurse and ask for my epidural. Nurse said there's 2 patient undergoing emergency ceaser and there only one epi doc. The doc will only come to me after that.
Another VE done and I am already 5cm. I suddenly feel panas and ask what is this air panas. Nurse said she help me break air ketuban. I suffered labor pain for almost 1 hour after ketuban break. Nurse asked me to use the entonox to help ease the pain. But I tell you, the entonox will make you feel high but once the contraction hit, entonox gas will not help. But I took it anyway.

6.20pm - after screaming and inhaling entonox like crazy and begging hamim for my epidural which hamim said otw otw. suddenly the LR was filled with almost 10 nurse and a male doctor. I begged to push coz I couldnt bear the pain and feel like something is coming out under there. Another VE done and I was 9cm suddenly!  Nurse then prepare me for labor and doctor ask me to push, the nurse gave encouragement and cheer me even tho I push wrongly. Always remind me to doa and keep teaching me the correct technique. I am halfway awake that time but still have energy to push.

6.37pm - Baby came out but I dint realize anything but sakit contraction, telling hamim how sakit I am that time. Then doctor said, 'hey gurl tu anak you atas perut, look' Oh my he's out and I still inhale that gas. LR kembali tenang, the pain is gone and baby was given to me for skin-to-skin while doctor work with the placenta. At this point I dont care already coz there's no more contraction. Nurse cuci baby and gave it to Hamim for azan then I start breastfeeding for first time.

9.00am - I am at ward already and family member came to visit for a while. They are in the hospital cheering me from outside since 4.30pm.

In conclusion - dah 6 minggu baby with us, and I still can't believe I am capable of giving birth.
Thank you Hamim for your support. And this, is all for those who NEVER ask stupid question from us. Hug and kisses from baby Tuah.


Tuah bin Hamim
27th June 2017 ( 3rd of Syawal)
2.58kg 6.37pm

Tuah bin Hamim

Few days old Tuah bin Hamim

14 hari ber Tuah

Hari ni hari ke 14 Tuah lahir. Tuah cahaya mata yang aku tak sangka aku akan ada.
Tak pernah mampu bayangkan diri sendiri adalah seorang mak, yang mampu melahirkan.
Dan aku still tak tahu secukup mana baru aku dapat zahirkan rasa bersyukur. Adakah dengan harta benda aku yang tak seberapa ni, sebab sejujurnya aku memang menumpang rezeki si Tuah sepanjang 9 bulan mengandung. atau dengan perbuatan dan perasaan yg sebenarnya aku pun tak tak tahu nak buat macam mana.

Masih lagi adjusting life dengan Tuah di sisi. Dengan tidur malam berjaga, jadual pam susu,jaga diri pantang makanan, berurut, stokin, sarung kepala, luka jahitan, manusia yang tiba2 concern perihal keselesaan aku, dan byk lagi.

Jujurnya aku sangat strugle walaupun ada helper yg datang separuh hari.

Hari ini, saat anak masuk 14 hari di waktu sebelum maghrib, aku diuji dengan aku hidangan kata2 jahat yg sebenarnya dah biasa dengar tapi tak sangka aku ni dah bergelar mak pun kene telan lagi.

Nak buat camne? nasib,


Need saving.

June Penuh Rahmat

Post yang paling last ialah post mid May dimana konon Roslin heartbreak sesangat (memang pun).

Masa tu 32 weeks ada angan nak update weekly on first pregnancy memandangkan dah kene jumpa doctor bi-weekly / weekly on June, which was also bulan Ramadhan ( sbb tu dia penuh rahmat, gittuh..) Why does it not happen? ...i forgot why. 

Mood was a bit okay when June start, got to spend time with my friends (see my IG its not private) , doa lebih sikit walaupun melalak kat sejadah merayu takut bersalin tapi kau dah 9 bulan pun (bila kau nak insaf ni), I did a lil bit of forgiving and at the same time I forgive myself too, still able to drive alone to KLCC and Pulze tgk wayang and bit shopping. Hamim start working from home on week 37  ( a week before raya ) not that I need him doing stuff at home tapi I feel secure when he is around konon2 feeling week 37 ni anytime boleh deliver.

My EDD was supposed to be early July to be exact on the 5th. Tapi deep inside I was hoping for June baby and at one point on June itself I dont mind pun kalau baby nak keluar before raya which fall on 25th June this year, which is also fall on week 38 of my pregnancy. 

So here is the timeline so I can remember later later later in life.

Week 34 - Jumpa Kamaljit on Sat May 27th ( 1st day puasa ) Baby is well, everything is ok but baby weight only at week 32 ( less 100++gram than the ideal weight) Dr said still got plenty of time. So I decided to not puasa until baby's weight on track with pregnancy week. Baby head down and masuk bit in the laluan. My weight did not increase.

Week 36 - Jumpa Dr Hamidah of Hospital Putrajaya on June 10th. I took FPP under her coz this is the nearest hospital and I read good review about the service and the doctor. Dr Hamidah was also Dr Kamaljit junior when they were studying. Baby head down but belum masuk laluan sepenuhnya. I asked bila rasanya bersalin (this week dah mmg fikir bersalin before raya pun takpe) and she said 'next week kalau nak bersalin dah boleh dah' and 'if rasa sakit, water break or darah head to dewan bersalin terus'. She gave me another appointment date 29th June which is our 1st anniversary ( great! vagina examination as anniversary gift lol) 

Week 37 - Appointment with Dr Kamaljit on June 17th. Baby weight has increase but still behind 1 week ( 2.4kg ++ ). Mummy need to eat eat eat. And yes, I still tak puasa and been eating alot! My weight remain the same from week 34. 

Week 38 - Lagi appoinment with Dr Kamaljit on 24th June ( Sat 1 day before raya ). My weight remain the same, baby weight on track at 2.58kg ( yes on the last day of puasa baru on track which means not a single day aku puasa this year ) Baby fully in laluan but still dongak so Dr did not do any VE for me that day haha. Baby is healthy everything is ok and her remark before I left, 'dont worry can still raya 2/3 days but dont go far okayyyy....' to hamim Dr said ' I wont be seeing you for this round anymore so call us when your wife deliver.

25th June - Raya Day 1.

Selamat Hari Raya. Ate rendang, kuah lodeh roti jala with kari kambing, laksa, mee sup, nasi dagang and ketupat. Braxton Hicks contraction start during asar and kat rumah org semasa gi beraya. Hamim panicked like hell. 

26th June - Raya Day 2

Stay at home sampai petang and head to Sendayan beraya after maghrib. Ate bihun goreng, ketupat with kuah kacang and rendang later nasi beriyani, ayam merah and rendang daging ( both lauk pedas bit) braxton hicks contraction after ate beriyani so head home to cyberjaya at and arrive around 12.30 straught to bed with full tummy.

27th June - Raya Day 3

I felt contraction at 6 am, head to labor room at 4pm and deliver a cute baby boy weight 2.58kg at 6.37pm without epidural (read my next next post then you will understand why I need to bold this statement)

Yup, got what I wish for, a June baby :) 

Happy Mother's Day Roslin

My heart has been broken to the extend that when they offer me money, I said NO.

I need the money (so bad) but I said NO.

and yes, it's still hurt. My heart.



*happy mother's day roslin*

still need to be saved

Roslin @ Week 32

Her condition

*she is just celebrated her 31st birthday last 2 weeks (yeay?)

*she's heartbroken and again learnt another lesson the hard way, which is never to rely and on words of others and never to trust any promise made especially by 'that group' of people

*she start her bi-weekly check up this month. She likes both her docs (Dr Kamaljit of Bangsar Women Specialist Centre & Dr Hamidah of Hospital Putrajaya)

*her tummy is still consider small for someone who is in month 8, but her docs said that's not something to be worried about about (total weight gain so far, 6.1kg)

*she is consider healthy and her pregnancy has been easy so far (she need to be grateful and stop thinking about sad incident)


What needs to be done

*she needs to find money to buy car seat, a good one so baby T can ride home safely

*she needs to get rid of all the clothes in US UK size 2,4,6 (hoping to be able to wear back size 8) before the arrival of her new born

*she needs to really finish cleaning the house and getting all the painting done before puasa (which is in 2 weeks time)

*she need to start packing her hospital's bag.

*she need to follow up with confinement agency to settle the house tour before puasa or by 1st week of puasa

*she need to arrange the baby cot and all baby stuff so room will be ready to welcome baby T


What she CANNOT eat

*maggie, curry flavor

*ayam goreng McD

*super heavily spiced curry

.....cause of the burning sensation and pity baby T needs to endure it


Overall

She cant wait to see her baby but she still is sad due to recent incident.
She need a distraction. Go save her.

Pelupa

Imagine this,

you are half way to KLCC from Cyberjaya via MEX Highway.
You passed the Seri Kembangan exit then you started thinking whether you want to shop or eat first.
But suddenly you remember you just had nugget before leaving the house.

Thennnnnn,,,, you started to wonder if you turn off the stove you use to fry the nugget!!
.
.
.
Know what I had to do? I have to go back to Cyberjaya using Bukit Jalil exit just to find that it's already turned off.

So that is the day I took 2 hours to go to KLCC.

I know I am forgetful. I thought I have recover this sickness by training myself when Hamim was away for 3 months.

I used to 'lost' my phone on daily basis. Wake up at night to check if I lock my car.
Check if I lock my back door few times at night. Check to see if marshmallow(snake) still in her terrarium. I even forgot that I missed my period on Nov last year which result to only realizing I am pregnant at the end of my 1st trimester.

And sometime I forgot if it's 7 in the am or in the pm.

Worse of all, I forgot which rakaat I am in.

I must train myself again to get rid of this sickness. If you see me talk to myself just ignore me. That is how I train myself. And I hope this method still work.

Btw, I am on my 26th week. 1 more week to go to complete month 6.

ps: hamim bought baby towel from Uchino - Isetan with embroidery of our child name.
I know we excited. who doesn't.

Month 5+

Just got back from babymoon and everything is getting clearer now.

Besides baby stuff, we have start preparing for my own confinement care too.
I have decided to pantang on my own with the help of confinement agency in the comfort of my own home. Hamim have been supportive of this decision and actually has set aside some budget for this.

We have discuss arrangement for the the daily 44 days pantang care. From the timing of the confinement ladies session to care for baby and myself, to daily pantang menu and visiting time of families and friends. Yes, to that very detail.

Hamim has also bought me bengkung set from Happikido for my use. Even I think its still early to buy it. He went to Isetan KLCC during sale and bought modern barut, mitten and booties at sale price (like seriously cheap but good quality). He even bought bottles after recommendation and research on which is the best - apparently comotomo is the best and they say some babies even reject mimijumi.

So far we got most of the item we can think of and my pregnancy journey has been an easy one - alhamdulilah. I think I have never been this thankful in my life.

Seriously, I do wish I know the things that I have done right to deserve this blessing. Cause I know I have not been the best person to people around me.

Grateful

*

'alhamdulillah..........akhirnya dapat juga!'

what the heck is this supposed to mean? you live in the same house as I am?

*

one of my close friend got married and she is in the most happiest state I have ever seen, and a beautiful bride too. It is truly a proud moment being there to witness her dream come true, the way she wants it.

*

I am surrounded by a truly strong women. single mother raising child on her own, a breadwinner for the family, alone when actually surrounded with others.. Not sure I can do the same if im in their situation.

*

my medical report came in late due to the need of signature from occupational hazard doctor ,so my start date has to be postponed to few days later to give time for it to be finalise.

*

never been pregnant before so still learning and scrolling pinterest for pregnancy guide and tips.

hamim even bought a book on weekly pregnancy guide even tho i missed many2 weeks in the 1st trimester. soon i have to learn how to behave like a mother. can you believe it? me, a mother?

*

You have no idea how happy I am right now. it's a blessing on top of blessing on top of another blessing in disguise. And for that, I am grateful and thankful.