Friday, September 8, 2017

August to Remember

Times like these won't last forever, so don't stop me from holding him.

Tuah is 2 months old end August. On 27th to be exact. Da pandai senyum, pandai ketawa dan bangun sekali je malam hari untuk menyusu dan kembali tidur sampai Subuh.

Roslin pula dah back to work on 21st, sangat awal dari standard confinement leave. Does that mean I don't love my child? I'm on a mission and I'm determine to complete it. And I'm doing it for him. 1st week of work dah kena visit plant and have to be away for 2 nights. Is my act of leaving him for 2 nights means I dont love him? Can you really imagine having to leave your newborn and be away for 3 whole day!

There are soul out there acting amaze on my sacrifice of leaving my child mencari rezeki menampung hidup sendiri. but deep inside just waiting for time to shoot me in the head and accuse me of willingness to abandon him for something else.

Yes, I have gone back to work.
Yes, I send my baby to day care.
Yes, I make mistake, lots of them.

But that doesnt mean I dont love my child.
I can't afford to make the same mistake I have done before putting myself same level as trash.
I HAVE to care for myself first before I can love and care for him.
Therefore, I have to be strong.

Give me 5 years I'll be better.

I know when I created this space, I wanted it for only happy thoughts to enter.
But who am I kidding?  You and I both know why I'm writing here.

I wish I have someone I can pour my heart out to. For now, it's just here and sing-a-long session while driving to work.


Friday, August 18, 2017

New Life & New Me

I will be back to work next week as working mother. And need to be away 2 days 1 night for site visit in the first week of working itself.

I know it's gonna be hard but I feel that I have never been so ready in my life.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Cinta & Airmata

Orang kata kalau memang bukan rezeki kita, dah nganga nak suap nasik pun boleh jatuh.
Tapi kalau memang rezeki kita, tangguh lama mana pun akhirnya dapat juga.

Mungkin Tuhan nak ajar erti redha dan sabar.

Now only I know the meaning of 'kadangkala apa yg kita nak bukan yang terbaik untuk kita' & 'Tuhan datangkan sesuatu bila waktu kita memerlukan'

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku, ajar lah aku untuk memaafkan.


ps: kenapa tajuk gitu.


Sunday, August 13, 2017

Roslin Bersalin - dia penakut!


27th June

5am - woke up sakit perut went to toilet then back to bed but cant sleep because tummy still sakit. I suspect the beriyani and lauk pauk pedas from yesterday raya but the pain still continue till 6.

6am - I time the pain half asleep coz I remember people said perut sakit also sign of contraction. 

7am - the apps said get ready and head to hospital as the contraction is every 10 min. hahaha. I woke up and kemas dapur and vacuum and mopped house. 

Almost to 8 I went toilet to pee and saw blood on panty liner. I hahahahahahaha bit alone pastu woke hamim up, asked him to calmly listen to what Im about to say while warning him not to panic and finally told him that we need to go to hospital coz I experience contraction every 10 min and theres blood on my panty line which mean I might be delivering a baby later today. He demanded to see prove. Can you believe this guys? I showered while hamim manage litter box and pet then pack his hospital bag last minute ( told him to do it weeks ago! )

9am  - to hospital we go but not before drive thru breakfast at mcD. lol. I need food okay.

10am - At hospital dewan bersalin to register. Hamim has informed everyone. I was ushered to assessment center to do CTG and my contraction sudah selang 5 minit tapi I only feel sakit every 10 min and tak lama.

11am - VE has been done and I am 2cm dilated. hahaha. I hate VE. Nurse said maybe give birth later today. Usually 1 cm open every 1 hour. Still haha mode. Wait for hamim to pay deposit (3k for FPP) then to the ward I must stay. Got executive ward at 5A but need to stay at double bed ward since they dont have single bed that time

1pm - late lunch hospital food. oh I love hospital food. I never been admitted before but I really love hospital food. I nap dalam sejam.

3pm - wei sakit. contraction still selang 5 min but oh sakitnya. Nurse asked if i still can tahan coz she dont encourage VE many time and the next VE is only at 4. And she also encourage me to take epidural since it Pain Free Hospital.

4pm - I couldnt tahan anymore, contraction still every 5 min but the pain has increase, Hamim encourage me to take epidural and I say yes. Told nurse we want to take epidural and she proceed to with VE as epidural can be taken only around 4-6cm dilated. I was 4cm that time and she quickly gave me edema so I can go toilet. Went toilet and then pushed down to LR.

4.30pm - Mannnn, sakitnya. but still 5cm. I was given entonox and was told the epi doctor is attending another patient for emergency ceaser and will come straight after that.

5.30pm - I cried and beg hamim to call nurse and ask for my epidural. Nurse said there's 2 patient undergoing emergency ceaser and there only one epi doc. The doc will only come to me after that.
Another VE done and I am already 5cm. I suddenly feel panas and ask what is this air panas. Nurse said she help me break air ketuban. I suffered labor pain for almost 1 hour after ketuban break. Nurse asked me to use the entonox to help ease the pain. But I tell you, the entonox will make you feel high but once the contraction hit, entonox gas will not help. But I took it anyway.

6.20pm - after screaming and inhaling entonox like crazy and begging hamim for my epidural which hamim said otw otw. suddenly the LR was filled with almost 10 nurse and a male doctor. I begged to push coz I couldnt bear the pain and feel like something is coming out under there. Another VE done and I was 9cm suddenly!  Nurse then prepare me for labor and doctor ask me to push, the nurse gave encouragement and cheer me even tho I push wrongly. Always remind me to doa and keep teaching me the correct technique. I am halfway awake that time but still have energy to push.

6.37pm - Baby came out but I dint realize anything but sakit contraction, telling hamim how sakit I am that time. Then doctor said, 'hey gurl tu anak you atas perut, look' Oh my he's out and I still inhale that gas. LR kembali tenang, the pain is gone and baby was given to me for skin-to-skin while doctor work with the placenta. At this point I dont care already coz there's no more contraction. Nurse cuci baby and gave it to Hamim for azan then I start breastfeeding for first time.

9.00am - I am at ward already and family member came to visit for a while. They are in the hospital cheering me from outside since 4.30pm.

In conclusion - dah 6 minggu baby with us, and I still can't believe I am capable of giving birth.
Thank you Hamim for your support. And this, is all for those who NEVER ask stupid question from us. Hug and kisses from baby Tuah.


Tuah bin Hamim
27th June 2017 ( 3rd of Syawal)
2.58kg 6.37pm








Tuesday, July 11, 2017

14 hari ber Tuah

Hari ni hari ke 14 Tuah lahir. Tuah cahaya mata yang aku tak sangka aku akan ada.
Tak pernah mampu bayangkan diri sendiri adalah seorang mak, yang mampu melahirkan.
Dan aku still tak tahu secukup mana baru aku dapat zahirkan rasa bersyukur. Adakah dengan harta benda aku yang tak seberapa ni, sebab sejujurnya aku memang menumpang rezeki si Tuah sepanjang 9 bulan mengandung. atau dengan perbuatan dan perasaan yg sebenarnya aku pun tak tak tahu nak buat macam mana.

Masih lagi adjusting life dengan Tuah di sisi. Dengan tidur malam berjaga, jadual pam susu,jaga diri pantang makanan, berurut, stokin, sarung kepala, luka jahitan, manusia yang tiba2 concern perihal keselesaan aku, dan byk lagi.

Jujurnya aku sangat strugle walaupun ada helper yg datang separuh hari.

Hari ini, saat anak masuk 14 hari di waktu sebelum maghrib, aku diuji dengan aku hidangan kata2 jahat yg sebenarnya dah biasa dengar tapi tak sangka aku ni dah bergelar mak pun kene telan lagi.

Nak buat camne? nasib,


Need saving.