August to Remember

Times like these won't last forever, so don't stop me from holding him.

Tuah is 2 months old end August. On 27th to be exact. Da pandai senyum, pandai ketawa dan bangun sekali je malam hari untuk menyusu dan kembali tidur sampai Subuh.

Roslin pula dah back to work on 21st, sangat awal dari standard confinement leave. Does that mean I don't love my child? I'm on a mission and I'm determine to complete it. And I'm doing it for him. 1st week of work dah kena visit plant and have to be away for 2 nights. Is my act of leaving him for 2 nights means I dont love him? Can you really imagine having to leave your newborn and be away for 3 whole day!

There are soul out there acting amaze on my sacrifice of leaving my child mencari rezeki menampung hidup sendiri. but deep inside just waiting for time to shoot me in the head and accuse me of willingness to abandon him for something else.

Yes, I have gone back to work.
Yes, I send my baby to day care.
Yes, I make mistake, lots of them.

But that doesnt mean I dont love my child.
I can't afford to make the same mistake I have done before putting myself same level as trash.
I HAVE to care for myself first before I can love and care for him.
Therefore, I have to be strong.

Give me 5 years I'll be better.

I know when I created this space, I wanted it for only happy thoughts to enter.
But who am I kidding?  You and I both know why I'm writing here.

I wish I have someone I can pour my heart out to. For now, it's just here and sing-a-long session while driving to work.

New Life & New Me

I will be back to work next week as working mother. And need to be away 2 days 1 night for site visit in the first week of working itself.

I know it's gonna be hard but I feel that I have never been so ready in my life.

I am so confuse

....and tired.

Cinta & Airmata

Orang kata kalau memang bukan rezeki kita, dah nganga nak suap nasik pun boleh jatuh.
Tapi kalau memang rezeki kita, tangguh lama mana pun akhirnya dapat juga.

Mungkin Tuhan nak ajar erti redha dan sabar.

Now only I know the meaning of 'kadangkala apa yg kita nak bukan yang terbaik untuk kita' & 'Tuhan datangkan sesuatu bila waktu kita memerlukan'

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku, ajar lah aku untuk memaafkan.


ps: kenapa tajuk gitu.

Roslin Bersalin - dia penakut!

27th June

5am - woke up sakit perut went to toilet then back to bed but cant sleep because tummy still sakit. I suspect the beriyani and lauk pauk pedas from yesterday raya but the pain still continue till 6.

6am - I time the pain half asleep coz I remember people said perut sakit also sign of contraction. 

7am - the apps said get ready and head to hospital as the contraction is every 10 min. hahaha. I woke up and kemas dapur and vacuum and mopped house. 

Almost to 8 I went toilet to pee and saw blood on panty liner. I hahahahahahaha bit alone pastu woke hamim up, asked him to calmly listen to what Im about to say while warning him not to panic and finally told him that we need to go to hospital coz I experience contraction every 10 min and theres blood on my panty line which mean I might be delivering a baby later today. He demanded to see prove. Can you believe this guys? I showered while hamim manage litter box and pet then pack his hospital bag last minute ( told him to do it weeks ago! )

9am  - to hospital we go but not before drive thru breakfast at mcD. lol. I need food okay.

10am - At hospital dewan bersalin to register. Hamim has informed everyone. I was ushered to assessment center to do CTG and my contraction sudah selang 5 minit tapi I only feel sakit every 10 min and tak lama.

11am - VE has been done and I am 2cm dilated. hahaha. I hate VE. Nurse said maybe give birth later today. Usually 1 cm open every 1 hour. Still haha mode. Wait for hamim to pay deposit (3k for FPP) then to the ward I must stay. Got executive ward at 5A but need to stay at double bed ward since they dont have single bed that time

1pm - late lunch hospital food. oh I love hospital food. I never been admitted before but I really love hospital food. I nap dalam sejam.

3pm - wei sakit. contraction still selang 5 min but oh sakitnya. Nurse asked if i still can tahan coz she dont encourage VE many time and the next VE is only at 4. And she also encourage me to take epidural since it Pain Free Hospital.

4pm - I couldnt tahan anymore, contraction still every 5 min but the pain has increase, Hamim encourage me to take epidural and I say yes. Told nurse we want to take epidural and she proceed to with VE as epidural can be taken only around 4-6cm dilated. I was 4cm that time and she quickly gave me edema so I can go toilet. Went toilet and then pushed down to LR.

4.30pm - Mannnn, sakitnya. but still 5cm. I was given entonox and was told the epi doctor is attending another patient for emergency ceaser and will come straight after that.

5.30pm - I cried and beg hamim to call nurse and ask for my epidural. Nurse said there's 2 patient undergoing emergency ceaser and there only one epi doc. The doc will only come to me after that.
Another VE done and I am already 5cm. I suddenly feel panas and ask what is this air panas. Nurse said she help me break air ketuban. I suffered labor pain for almost 1 hour after ketuban break. Nurse asked me to use the entonox to help ease the pain. But I tell you, the entonox will make you feel high but once the contraction hit, entonox gas will not help. But I took it anyway.

6.20pm - after screaming and inhaling entonox like crazy and begging hamim for my epidural which hamim said otw otw. suddenly the LR was filled with almost 10 nurse and a male doctor. I begged to push coz I couldnt bear the pain and feel like something is coming out under there. Another VE done and I was 9cm suddenly!  Nurse then prepare me for labor and doctor ask me to push, the nurse gave encouragement and cheer me even tho I push wrongly. Always remind me to doa and keep teaching me the correct technique. I am halfway awake that time but still have energy to push.

6.37pm - Baby came out but I dint realize anything but sakit contraction, telling hamim how sakit I am that time. Then doctor said, 'hey gurl tu anak you atas perut, look' Oh my he's out and I still inhale that gas. LR kembali tenang, the pain is gone and baby was given to me for skin-to-skin while doctor work with the placenta. At this point I dont care already coz there's no more contraction. Nurse cuci baby and gave it to Hamim for azan then I start breastfeeding for first time.

9.00am - I am at ward already and family member came to visit for a while. They are in the hospital cheering me from outside since 4.30pm.

In conclusion - dah 6 minggu baby with us, and I still can't believe I am capable of giving birth.
Thank you Hamim for your support. And this, is all for those who NEVER ask stupid question from us. Hug and kisses from baby Tuah.


Tuah bin Hamim
27th June 2017 ( 3rd of Syawal)
2.58kg 6.37pm

Tuah bin Hamim

Few days old Tuah bin Hamim

14 hari ber Tuah

Hari ni hari ke 14 Tuah lahir. Tuah cahaya mata yang aku tak sangka aku akan ada.
Tak pernah mampu bayangkan diri sendiri adalah seorang mak, yang mampu melahirkan.
Dan aku still tak tahu secukup mana baru aku dapat zahirkan rasa bersyukur. Adakah dengan harta benda aku yang tak seberapa ni, sebab sejujurnya aku memang menumpang rezeki si Tuah sepanjang 9 bulan mengandung. atau dengan perbuatan dan perasaan yg sebenarnya aku pun tak tak tahu nak buat macam mana.

Masih lagi adjusting life dengan Tuah di sisi. Dengan tidur malam berjaga, jadual pam susu,jaga diri pantang makanan, berurut, stokin, sarung kepala, luka jahitan, manusia yang tiba2 concern perihal keselesaan aku, dan byk lagi.

Jujurnya aku sangat strugle walaupun ada helper yg datang separuh hari.

Hari ini, saat anak masuk 14 hari di waktu sebelum maghrib, aku diuji dengan aku hidangan kata2 jahat yg sebenarnya dah biasa dengar tapi tak sangka aku ni dah bergelar mak pun kene telan lagi.

Nak buat camne? nasib,


Need saving.

June Penuh Rahmat

Post yang paling last ialah post mid May dimana konon Roslin heartbreak sesangat (memang pun).

Masa tu 32 weeks ada angan nak update weekly on first pregnancy memandangkan dah kene jumpa doctor bi-weekly / weekly on June, which was also bulan Ramadhan ( sbb tu dia penuh rahmat, gittuh..) Why does it not happen? ...i forgot why. 

Mood was a bit okay when June start, got to spend time with my friends (see my IG its not private) , doa lebih sikit walaupun melalak kat sejadah merayu takut bersalin tapi kau dah 9 bulan pun (bila kau nak insaf ni), I did a lil bit of forgiving and at the same time I forgive myself too, still able to drive alone to KLCC and Pulze tgk wayang and bit shopping. Hamim start working from home on week 37  ( a week before raya ) not that I need him doing stuff at home tapi I feel secure when he is around konon2 feeling week 37 ni anytime boleh deliver.

My EDD was supposed to be early July to be exact on the 5th. Tapi deep inside I was hoping for June baby and at one point on June itself I dont mind pun kalau baby nak keluar before raya which fall on 25th June this year, which is also fall on week 38 of my pregnancy. 

So here is the timeline so I can remember later later later in life.

Week 34 - Jumpa Kamaljit on Sat May 27th ( 1st day puasa ) Baby is well, everything is ok but baby weight only at week 32 ( less 100++gram than the ideal weight) Dr said still got plenty of time. So I decided to not puasa until baby's weight on track with pregnancy week. Baby head down and masuk bit in the laluan. My weight did not increase.

Week 36 - Jumpa Dr Hamidah of Hospital Putrajaya on June 10th. I took FPP under her coz this is the nearest hospital and I read good review about the service and the doctor. Dr Hamidah was also Dr Kamaljit junior when they were studying. Baby head down but belum masuk laluan sepenuhnya. I asked bila rasanya bersalin (this week dah mmg fikir bersalin before raya pun takpe) and she said 'next week kalau nak bersalin dah boleh dah' and 'if rasa sakit, water break or darah head to dewan bersalin terus'. She gave me another appointment date 29th June which is our 1st anniversary ( great! vagina examination as anniversary gift lol) 

Week 37 - Appointment with Dr Kamaljit on June 17th. Baby weight has increase but still behind 1 week ( 2.4kg ++ ). Mummy need to eat eat eat. And yes, I still tak puasa and been eating alot! My weight remain the same from week 34. 

Week 38 - Lagi appoinment with Dr Kamaljit on 24th June ( Sat 1 day before raya ). My weight remain the same, baby weight on track at 2.58kg ( yes on the last day of puasa baru on track which means not a single day aku puasa this year ) Baby fully in laluan but still dongak so Dr did not do any VE for me that day haha. Baby is healthy everything is ok and her remark before I left, 'dont worry can still raya 2/3 days but dont go far okayyyy....' to hamim Dr said ' I wont be seeing you for this round anymore so call us when your wife deliver.

25th June - Raya Day 1.

Selamat Hari Raya. Ate rendang, kuah lodeh roti jala with kari kambing, laksa, mee sup, nasi dagang and ketupat. Braxton Hicks contraction start during asar and kat rumah org semasa gi beraya. Hamim panicked like hell. 

26th June - Raya Day 2

Stay at home sampai petang and head to Sendayan beraya after maghrib. Ate bihun goreng, ketupat with kuah kacang and rendang later nasi beriyani, ayam merah and rendang daging ( both lauk pedas bit) braxton hicks contraction after ate beriyani so head home to cyberjaya at and arrive around 12.30 straught to bed with full tummy.

27th June - Raya Day 3

I felt contraction at 6 am, head to labor room at 4pm and deliver a cute baby boy weight 2.58kg at 6.37pm without epidural (read my next next post then you will understand why I need to bold this statement)

Yup, got what I wish for, a June baby :) 

Happy Mother's Day Roslin

My heart has been broken to the extend that when they offer me money, I said NO.

I need the money (so bad) but I said NO.

and yes, it's still hurt. My heart.



*happy mother's day roslin*

still need to be saved

Roslin @ Week 32

Her condition

*she is just celebrated her 31st birthday last 2 weeks (yeay?)

*she's heartbroken and again learnt another lesson the hard way, which is never to rely and on words of others and never to trust any promise made especially by 'that group' of people

*she start her bi-weekly check up this month. She likes both her docs (Dr Kamaljit of Bangsar Women Specialist Centre & Dr Hamidah of Hospital Putrajaya)

*her tummy is still consider small for someone who is in month 8, but her docs said that's not something to be worried about about (total weight gain so far, 6.1kg)

*she is consider healthy and her pregnancy has been easy so far (she need to be grateful and stop thinking about sad incident)


What needs to be done

*she needs to find money to buy car seat, a good one so baby T can ride home safely

*she needs to get rid of all the clothes in US UK size 2,4,6 (hoping to be able to wear back size 8) before the arrival of her new born

*she needs to really finish cleaning the house and getting all the painting done before puasa (which is in 2 weeks time)

*she need to start packing her hospital's bag.

*she need to follow up with confinement agency to settle the house tour before puasa or by 1st week of puasa

*she need to arrange the baby cot and all baby stuff so room will be ready to welcome baby T


What she CANNOT eat

*maggie, curry flavor

*ayam goreng McD

*super heavily spiced curry

.....cause of the burning sensation and pity baby T needs to endure it


Overall

She cant wait to see her baby but she still is sad due to recent incident.
She need a distraction. Go save her.

Pelupa

Imagine this,

you are half way to KLCC from Cyberjaya via MEX Highway.
You passed the Seri Kembangan exit then you started thinking whether you want to shop or eat first.
But suddenly you remember you just had nugget before leaving the house.

Thennnnnn,,,, you started to wonder if you turn off the stove you use to fry the nugget!!
.
.
.
Know what I had to do? I have to go back to Cyberjaya using Bukit Jalil exit just to find that it's already turned off.

So that is the day I took 2 hours to go to KLCC.

I know I am forgetful. I thought I have recover this sickness by training myself when Hamim was away for 3 months.

I used to 'lost' my phone on daily basis. Wake up at night to check if I lock my car.
Check if I lock my back door few times at night. Check to see if marshmallow(snake) still in her terrarium. I even forgot that I missed my period on Nov last year which result to only realizing I am pregnant at the end of my 1st trimester.

And sometime I forgot if it's 7 in the am or in the pm.

Worse of all, I forgot which rakaat I am in.

I must train myself again to get rid of this sickness. If you see me talk to myself just ignore me. That is how I train myself. And I hope this method still work.

Btw, I am on my 26th week. 1 more week to go to complete month 6.

ps: hamim bought baby towel from Uchino - Isetan with embroidery of our child name.
I know we excited. who doesn't.

Month 5+

Just got back from babymoon and everything is getting clearer now.

Besides baby stuff, we have start preparing for my own confinement care too.
I have decided to pantang on my own with the help of confinement agency in the comfort of my own home. Hamim have been supportive of this decision and actually has set aside some budget for this.

We have discuss arrangement for the the daily 44 days pantang care. From the timing of the confinement ladies session to care for baby and myself, to daily pantang menu and visiting time of families and friends. Yes, to that very detail.

Hamim has also bought me bengkung set from Happikido for my use. Even I think its still early to buy it. He went to Isetan KLCC during sale and bought modern barut, mitten and booties at sale price (like seriously cheap but good quality). He even bought bottles after recommendation and research on which is the best - apparently comotomo is the best and they say some babies even reject mimijumi.

So far we got most of the item we can think of and my pregnancy journey has been an easy one - alhamdulilah. I think I have never been this thankful in my life.

Seriously, I do wish I know the things that I have done right to deserve this blessing. Cause I know I have not been the best person to people around me.

Grateful

*

'alhamdulillah..........akhirnya dapat juga!'

what the heck is this supposed to mean? you live in the same house as I am?

*

one of my close friend got married and she is in the most happiest state I have ever seen, and a beautiful bride too. It is truly a proud moment being there to witness her dream come true, the way she wants it.

*

I am surrounded by a truly strong women. single mother raising child on her own, a breadwinner for the family, alone when actually surrounded with others.. Not sure I can do the same if im in their situation.

*

my medical report came in late due to the need of signature from occupational hazard doctor ,so my start date has to be postponed to few days later to give time for it to be finalise.

*

never been pregnant before so still learning and scrolling pinterest for pregnancy guide and tips.

hamim even bought a book on weekly pregnancy guide even tho i missed many2 weeks in the 1st trimester. soon i have to learn how to behave like a mother. can you believe it? me, a mother?

*

You have no idea how happy I am right now. it's a blessing on top of blessing on top of another blessing in disguise. And for that, I am grateful and thankful.

Happy New Year 2017 (sorry late, but seriously happy)

Its mid Feb and guess what?
*seriously, guess what happen after im unemployed for past 2 1/2 month*



I got job offer with better prospect! *i start next week*

AND

I found out I am pregnant and my new employer is okay with it!!


*cry*


I don't know what I have done right to deserve the second good news.
It was totally unplanned and we are not ready coz we are a child ourself. We found out late coz I was too busy to test and only doing it when I have to. but hey, we have many more month to prepare and educate our childish mind hahahahahaha.

One thing I fear the most in this world is labor pain. but that doesn't stop me from being happy.
But seriously, I'am scared maximum.

I thank god for easing my 1st trimester journey, no morning sickness and I got to eat just anything without feeling guilty. I even lift weight and run on treadmill, simply because I did not know.


thank you god.

What happened???? (In 2016)

What did I do (in 2016)

- create new memories at Langkawi

- went to that floating restaurant for seafood lunch

- got disappointed getting bad ranking after working like a dog last year. and got to know ppl work less hard than me got better ranking *i know, i got eyes and ears* 

- feel stupid for staying and decided to look for other opportunity aggressively ( turned down! okay takpe work harder )

- got news that our team will be migrated and I might be out of job in 1 year time.

- went to Bali and loving it. stayed at airbnb thingy, hire driver and explore lots of temple and went  sightseeing there. 95% of ppl is Bali is Hindu so they have small masjid and very few surau. so sapa tny knp aku tak sightseeing kat masjid kau setan.

- brought Chowder to see vet and confirmed fungal infection on nose cut. he was on medication for 45 days and alhamdulilah by end of March fur started to grow back. the medication was so strong he loses more than 1kg. but has gain back his weight after stop medication.

- injured my ankle on obstacle run on April and need to wear half cast for almost 1 month. Then continue with ankle braces for next few month. I cant run and i cant wear any heels for a year :(

- half year gone and we still dint receive our love letter ( redundancy package from work )

- went for a cute anniversary dinner and was disturbed by unwanted presence of unwanted whoever. How dare u. But it was really at a small humble cafe so no one would know we are on anniversary dinner. 

- did my knowledge transfer successfully to a new team taking over my role. It was a satisfaction knowing that you did KT to a Process Expert who is supposed to know more stuff than you.

- change role and involve in a project team on aug. new task new responsibility. And i was confident i can deliver because i have the skill, i've been doing for 6 years. 

- received love letter on sept the same date new team go live. I signed calmly with confident that i can land a role in the new team that they are piloting, the one that project i sign up to help. 

- new PM come in mid sept, did a one to one and put me down comparing me with people with 0 knowledge on the project, the processes and the tools. God this one is trying to turn me into a fool. 

- told my manager i dont wanna stay and accept how i am being treated and compared.

- turn out was the best decision ever. I dont need the stress and i left the org on my own decision but not empty handed. 

- the total 12 people left on the same day. 10 from my team, our manager sang a song and cried on the farewell lunch. Ok i cried too, and it was unexpected behaviour even i was surprised. 

- something happened a day after i left. To me not to the org. 1 dec to be exact. I cant say it coz i am still shock.

- rewind a bit back on sept mid, hamim got a call from his career counselor saying there is opportunity abroad where the manager is looking for someone with his skill but he need to be away from home for 3 months and go to chengdu,china.

- he asked me if he can go, and i just said yes. He was surprised coz we never been apart for more than a night since we are married. He asked again if i am sure coz its a 3 months assignment and again i said yes and continue napping. 

- he went on tele con interview with the manager and he wants him. In less than 2 weeks time passport, visa, flight tix, many many document to be prepared, and shopping for new work attire (coz you need to look good on client site) was done. And hamim left for china on sat morning 1 oct. 

- i cant believe myself that i will be alone in a big house with 2 naughty cats, 1 hungry snake, and 2 fierce bearded dragon to take care of. 

- i went to visit hamim on november for almost a week. Ive never want to visit china, but i miss hamim and i have to go do that 4.5 hours flight. 

- it was cold in china as official winter season has been announce early nov. hamim hired a driver and we went visit mountain, panda, and few ancient city. But i like the visit to mosque the most on the friday coz there is a mini food fest happening outside. I ate a lot of xinjiang lamb/meat on skewer, dumpling and the best was meat soup. I did not share. 

- the best food in china is truly muslim food, they served a lot of meat with rice. I ate sezchuan mala pepper too. Hamim dint like it coz it make your tongue numb. But i always prepare halal yoghurt found nearby mosque when i know im about to eat dish with mala. The yoghurt was niceeeee hamim is gonna bring back some for me.

- time to go back MY. I cried and cried and cried at the airport. I was sad coz  i need to be away from hamim again and also because kfc set was yuckie in china and is expensive ( no wonder the chinese is crazy about kfc in MY ) i love u kfc. I pity them chinese.

- came back from china after 4.5 hrs flight (which i hate) and was sick. I took mc and worked from home a lot that week. Was well after 3 days of medicine but fever again after stop. the weekend was worse i vomited everything i put in my body and i was starving the whole day. 

- my mother came at 3 in the morning to take me to emergency room. The doc gave medication (not sure what) and iv drip. And i begged the doc so i wont be warded. Coz i suddenly want to eat lontong for breakfast. 

- was better after that but body feel week. I get tired after walking and always short of breath. Sometime i am awake at night coz of abdominal pain and strugle to continue sleep.

- Its now december and i am at home feeling tired all the time. But i tried to limit my nap so i can easily sleep at night. 

- did some cleaning in the library and that room full of clothes. I stop a lot of times coz i was tired. But there is progress so in still proud.

- its less that 2 weeks before end of the year and hamim to be home. Am supposed to visit hamim again early december but i was to weak and bit trauma after on and off fever last month so i dint go.

- hamim is sick and vomitting, so am a bit worried i wish im there with him. He said he feel better and already start working after only a day rest. He stay at office until 10pm, yeah that's so hamim. 

- mimim come home fast, i miss u.